2006-Aug-24 - Hollywood has raped my childhood
Ok, I know this says that I would talk about life as a struggling actor, but the injustice that is about to perpetrated cannot go overlooked. I am talking about the cinematic abortion that is Michael Bay's Transformers.
I don't know how many of you, more specifically the males, are children of the 80's, but you know that there were a few fundemental building blocks that helped shape our young,impressionable minds. Sorry to exclude you ladies, but I haven't met a girl yet who got down with these priceless national treasures. He-Man, ThunderCats, G.I. Joe, SilverHawks, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Voltron, and of course Transformers. These cartoons were not just something to look forward to on a Saturday morning, these cartoons were the introductions to our heroes. He-Man showed that you although you seemed to be a purple pants wearing, Prince Valient haircut sporting, cowardly choir boy, there was STILL a hero inside that could benefit not only yourself but others.
Lion-O, Lord of the ThunderCats, once an adolescent being told that he would have to lead his people to a new Thundarra, suddenly aging into an adult with never the opportunity to learn how to become this leader is looked upon to for guidance when facing the new foes of Mum-Ra, the Mutants or the Lunataks. He made mistakes, often putting himself or his team in danger, but eventually emerged victorious with the other ThunderCats standing by his side, despite the mistakes, because they believed in him.
Optimus Prime is one of the most iconic figures for the males of the 80's. The reluctant leader, fighting an evil tyrant hellbent on controlling the universe. Optimus Prime was at times self-sacrificing for the good of the team, the best example is in the animated Transformers movie when he gave his life for the cause of the Autobots. This was heavy, important stuff for us to be taught at such a young age.
But now, Michael "All I've ever directed was music videos before being plucked from obscurity to make action movies, but in actuallity, all I did was take a massive steaming dump on Hollywood" Bay is about to f*ck up one of these beloved franchises by thinking he can make Transformers better.
Now, ok, I will give Michael Bay as little credit as possible, because I enjoyed the HELL out of 'The Rock' but that was largely due to Sean Connery and Ed Harris. This was a great action movie. But his track record after that is sensory gangrape! Armageddon, Pearl Harbor, Bad Boys 2, The Island. I would rather listen to the entire Chris 'Corky' Burke album for 72 hours straight with Carrot Top and Paris Hilton spitting in my mouth, THAT is a more enjoyable time for me than ever seeing one of movies again, or ever.
First off, Bumblebee. The Autobot "damsel in distress" has always been a VW bug. Not this go around! Now he will be the NEW 2008/2009 Chevy Camaro! Oh sweet mother of Ghandi, already this movie has turned into a very long car commercial.
Second. Rumors were abound that Megatron would transform from a miltary tank rather than a gun. That's not so bad, even at a young age, Megatron turning into a gun other Decepticons could use was kinda lame. Unfortunately it would seem he will not be this tank, instead Megatron will be. . .whatever the hell this is.
THIS is Megatron, Michael Bay! You douchebag
Third, a quote from screenwriters Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci say "the story will be told through the eyes of its human characters, who are witnessing the intergalactic Autobot-Decepticon war come abruptly to Earth." WTF!!! That's one of the main reasons Alien vs. Predator, which should have kicked so much ass, blew so much donkey schlong! The stupid humans in the way. It should've been these two alien races trying to exterminate the other for 2 hours. Just like Transformers should Autobots and Decepticons fighting for 2 hours.
And lastly, the fearless leader has been turned from badass semi truck, to giant Hot Wheels. Optimus Prime has been given flames. Need I say more.
At least his robot form is somewhat preserved.
So I ask you, fellow Children of the 80's. PLEASE DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE!!! And if you feel you do need to see this movie, don't pay to see it! Sneak in, download it, bootleg DVD, whatever! We as fans have more power than ever before because of weblogs, talkback boards, etc. and if we take some sort of stand against this bastardizing of our nostalgia, maybe it can change.
~~~~~The Chic Geek
P.S. Some other sad development news involving the ThunderCats. Obviously,there is no God if this idea was conceived. http://www.aintitcool.com/display.cgi?id=24232
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About Me
How awesome is it to be an actor? Well,when you aren't being hounded by papparazi, being caught with a hooker, being caught with drugs, going through a very public divorce, going through a very public custody battle or mounting a "comeback" on a reality show, it's really fucking hard! To reach a status where your private life can be bought and sold, or even make acting your bread and butter, is a long hard road travelled by many. I am one of those many.
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